


Grieving

by NightWritesTales



Category: DreamWorks Dragons (Cartoon), How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Astrid!Whump, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Graphic Description of Corpses, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Masturbation, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 22:20:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30095973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightWritesTales/pseuds/NightWritesTales
Summary: Set during "Team Astrid"Astrid's parents were home when Dagur attacked Berk, resulting in their deaths. For the first time in her life, Astrid experiences true grief, and struggles to cope with the tragic events. Hiccup is determined to show her that he's there for her, no matter what she's going through.
Relationships: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	Grieving

**Author's Note:**

> If you're having a good day, and don't want it ruined. I HIGHLY recommend turning away while you still can.
> 
> Anyways, during this past week, I experienced two very unexpected deaths in my family, both just a few days apart from one another. While watching Race to the Edge (which I do when I'm sad) I found myself on the episode Team Astrid, and of course, my twisted brain thought of this story.
> 
> This fic contains a lot of depressing material, including Astrid's reaction to the disturbing events, emotional turmoil, and brief self harm. If you still want to read, and have experienced grieving before, I hope you can relate to some of the feelings depicted here. On with the story...

**Denial**

Astrid’s legs burned as she lept from Stormfly’s saddle, running toward the scattered debris that was remaining of her childhood home. There were Vikings standing in the area, all of which immersed in their own little groups. In the few moments her eyes caught them, she saw that the look on their faces was nothing short of pure sadness. But when they spotted Astrid, approaching as fast as she could manage, their expressions quickly turned to horror.

She wasn’t sure who to look to when she stopped running, unable to take her eyes off the destroyed house, ashes of the burned remains getting swept into the gentle wind. Nothing about it was recognizable, and though the stab of nostalgic depression she felt at looking at her home in its current state was awful, it was the least of her worries. She needed to find her parents.

In a moment of hope, she spotted Gobber approaching from somewhere behind the rubble. Covered head to toe in dirt and soot, he walked with a bucket of water hanging from his hook-hand, in which the contents therein splashed onto the ground due to his hobbling. Nonetheless, Astrid stood frozen, fearfully awaiting an explanation.

“Gobber-” She started, barely finding the breath to speak. “W-Where are my parents?”

The man before her, one of the toughest Vikings she’d ever known, couldn’t even look into her eyes. His head hung, and his underbit lip quivered a little.

“I’m… I’m so sorry, lass…”

Suddenly, Astrid felt like there were a thousand needles poking her all over, the warm spring air doing nothing to suppress the ice that ran through her veins.

No… _no._

It wasn’t possible. Her parents...

Astrid felt her knees growing weak, but held herself in place. “No, no no no no. Gobber, you’re not saying-?”

Finally, he looked at her. The glossy, unshed tears in his blue eyes spoke more than any words could.

Her parents… they were _gone?_

Nausea boiled in her stomach, and she continued fighting the urge to double over.

“No… no, where are they?” She asked, voice breaking slightly.

“Astrid, you shouldn’t-”

“WHERE ARE THEY?!” She demanded. Suddenly feeling hot liquid run down her face… when had that happened? She balled her hands into tight fists, as if she could somehow _beat_ the feeling of despair away like it was just another one of her opponents. “Gobber-! _Please!”_

He opened his mouth to speak, but she didn’t stop to listen, running into the disheveled remains of the house, refusing to wait for permission. Even as she heard Gobber’s frantic calls after her, she ran.

“ASTRID! DON’T-!”

It didn’t take her long, finding a spotless white sheet among the messy, ash-coated floor of what used to be her home. There was an indention of two figures beneath, lying side by side.

What she did next, she would regret for the rest of her life.

Acting on some pure, deceiving instinct that the figures beneath the cloth were still somehow _alive,_ she grabbed it, throwing it aside without caution... Her screams were immediate, ear-splitting and unforgettable to those who heard, as she caught sight of her dead mother and father.

Or rather... what was left of them.

Neither bodies showed any signs of their normal, pale skin that Astrid knew so well. But instead, their flesh was burned beyond recognition, the only colors visible aside from ashy black was the deep red of tissue and muscle that showed beneath. Her father was missing near-half of his limbs, sharp, broken bones jutting out from the stumps that remained. His torso had been slashed open, revealing a good portion of his insides as gore surrounded his burly body all over. Her mother appeared to be all there, aside from her skull, which was crushed to the point of being _impossibly_ flat. Her entire head no more than an inch tall from the ground. Her blue eyes, eyes that she’d passed onto her daughter, were smashed and jutting out amongst the singed remains of her mushy brains.

Astrid fell, pulling herself away from the nightmarish scene as Gobber finally arrived, quickly recovering the corpses with the sheet. But the damage had been done. Astrid’s screams echoed through the streets of Berk, only halting for a few moments as she doubled over and vomited on the ground beside her. Her throat gurgling as she filled her lungs for another wail, only to inhale some of the acidic liquid, choking violently as she collapsed fully, curling into a ball as tears streamed down her soot-covered cheeks like a polluted river.

“NO-NO-NO-NO- _NOOOOOOOO!”_ She screamed between choked sobs. _“MOM! DAD! NOOOOOOO!!!”_

She laid there, her cries not ceasing, her tears not stopping. No one approached her, at least from what she could grasp. Hell, the whole village could’ve been surrounding her at that very moment, and she wouldn't have even noticed. She buried her head into her hands, aimlessly kicking her feet like a child throwing a tantrum, wishing to every god above that she’d wake up from the horrid nightmare she’d found herself in.

Her throat seared with pain as she screamed, lungs burning for air that she could never fully get, while cursing the world and begging for her parents to come back to it. The demented nature of her new reality slowly sinking in. Her parents were gone…

It could’ve been seconds, minutes or even hours before she felt a warm hand firmly grip her upper arm. Her red, misty eyes peeking open to see who it was. Finding wide, horrified emerald eyes looking down at her. Hiccup was kneeling over her, pulling enough to lift her into a sitting position. Without ceasing her cries, she let him do so, unable to fully look at his face, fearing what his reaction would be.

“Astrid…” He said quietly, voice shaky as he attempted to pull her closer to him.

It was within this brief moment Astrid caught a glimpse of their surroundings, and realized that she was, in fact, right in her assumptions about the whole village watching her. Groups of Vikings were all over, staring at the girl with pity in their eyes. All of them watching as if it were some perverse, dramatized performance going on in front of them. It made Astrid feel furious, embarrassed, and unbearably vulnerable all at once. It was too much to take.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!”

She pushed Hiccup away, much harder than she intended to, and managed to get to her hands and knees. Taking a moment to catch her breath as she did so. But with no luck, her lungs screamed for air, never feeling as if they were getting enough. Her sobs continued, not stopping no matter how hard she tried. Tears dotting the ashy ground beneath her like raindrops. 

Hiccup was standing beside her now, looking off at the gawking villagers with hatred in his eyes.

“What are you staring at?! Mind your own business!” He yelled at them, hands angrily balling into fists at his sides.

Astrid took the opportunity when he wasn’t looking, shakily getting to her feet and rushing away. Pushing through the crowd of Vikings and making it to Stormfly. Without a single idea of where she was headed, she took off into the sky above Berk, trying to leave the nightmare she was facing behind with it.

Trying...

Looking out at the view before her, Astrid sat on her aching knees, watching the world continue on as if nothing had even happened. The people, the dragons, their allies and enemies alike, all of them would go on, like everything was normal, just as it should be.

The sun would set, then rise again.

The nocturnal animals would wander that night, hunting as usual. 

The tides of the sea would rise, then fall with the oncoming waves.

Everything would continue, everything…

As if the world had no consideration at all for how _she_ was feeling. The fact that the two people who had brought her into the world were inexplicably gone forever. She would never hear their voices again. Never walk into her home after a long stay at Dragon’s Edge and watch the excited looks on their faces as she surprised them with her presence. Never listen to them playfully argue about weapons or battle tactics. Never feel the warmth of accomplishment in her chest as her father told her how proud he was of her, or blush as her mother pressed her about finally confessing the feelings she had for Hiccup.

The fact that _her_ world would never be the same again.

So she sat there, atop the quiet peak of Raven’s Point. How long she’d been there? She didn’t know, though the sun had shifted its place in the sky quite a bit since she’d last looked. It was a place that her parents used to take her all the time when she was young. Whether it was while hunting, or just for a family picnic when they had a day free of training or building. Looking over her shoulder, she half expected them to appear just over the crest of the hill. Smiling at her as they approached, as if nothing had changed at all.

But they weren’t there. They would never be…

Never. Never. _Never._

She leaned over, sobs taking her over again, not knowing if the recollection of the memories was helping, or breaking her heart even more. Unable to get the sight of their bodies out of her head, their singed flesh, their crushed limbs… it was just _horrible!_

The air was quiet, save for Stormfly’s occasional squawks. The dragon kept her distance from her rider, even though the winged creature wanted nothing more than to comfort the girl that meant so much to her. Astrid had made it very clear, she wanted to be left alone.

Which is why the girl felt frustration blossom in her chest as she heard the unmistakable sound of a dragon landing just a short ways down the hill. Not even taking a moment to look back, the following continuous noise of a footstep, followed by a metallic _thud_ grew closer to her. She wanted to yell at him, like she had earlier. Tell him to fuck off, leave her to wallow in her own despair alone, where no one could see her walls break. Where no one would be able to see the Fearless Astrid Hofferson crumble beneath the weight of her new normal.

But she didn’t. She was unsure what changed her mind, but it likely had to do with the sudden warmth of his gentle hand on her back, a warmth that seemed to melt the ice in her blood, even if just a degree. He knelt beside her like before, and without hesitation, pulled her into a tight embrace. Not minding the dirt and soot that coated her skin and clothes, he buried his nose into her black-tinged hair, smelling the ash in it, bringing him back into the horrific scene from earlier. A memory he, nor the girl in his arms ever wanted to revisit.

Astrid’s sobs continued, tears leaking from her puffy eyes and soaking into his tunic. “H-Hiccup…” She managed.

“I’m here, Astrid.” He rubbed her back lovingly. “I’m right here.”

“Hiccup… they’re _gone!”_ She wailed into his chest, shrill voice chilling him to the bone. “They’re dead! You didn’t see them, their bodies! OH _GODS!”_

He gently shushed her, “Astrid…”

She wailed on, sobs turning more frantic by the second. Choking sounds coming from her tight throat. “HICCUP! I-I… I can’t _breathe!”_

“Astrid-” He pressed, becoming increasingly worried. “You have to try to relax.”

 _“Nonononono…”_ She repeated, still choking on whatever air she could suck in, but attempting to slow her breaths nonetheless. “Why, Hiccup?! _Why?!”_

“Just take a deep breath, Astrid. Please...”

Her body trembled against him, but she complied. Halting her sobs best she could, then shakily inhaling to her fullest extent, gently releasing the humid air against his chest.

“That’s it…” He commended, gently kissing the top of her head. 

Slowly, her sobs descended into little cries. Until she was mostly silent against him. He never loosened his grip around her, wishing to never let her go.

“H-Hiccup…” She mumbled, choking back another sob. “What do I do? What am I supposed to _do?!”_

“Just breathe, Astrid. That’s all you need to do.” He murmured against her ear, gently resting his flustered cheek against her head. “Just breathe…”

  
  


**Anger** ****

It was dark outside by the time he’d brought her back to the village, shielding her from the view of her destroyed house as he led her up the pathway to his own. Supporting most of her weight, as her shaky legs were seemingly unable to function normally.

He pushed open the heavy door, the warmth from the firepit therein hitting them immediately. He prompted her inside, giving a final gesture to Stormfly before closing the door, telling her to ‘stay’, to which the dragon had no grievances with. The Nadder simply curled herself into a ball in his front yard, settling down under the growing light of Berk’s moon.

Astrid stood there at the entryway of the residence, head and shoulders slumped forward, face red and swollen from crying. The scent of the Haddock house overwhelmed her, smelling of cooked chicken and forged leather, even a little musky, no doubt from the two males living there. It wasn’t bad, it was something homey, familiar, something you’d recollect when thinking of good memories of your family… Her eyes were on the wood floor, unable to focus on much else, even as the voice of her Chief filled her ears.

“Astrid, dear…” Stoick’s tone was more gentle than either teens had ever heard in their lives, he approached the girl worriedly, searching for the right words to say. “I’m… I’m so sorry for what happened…”

She didn’t respond, only kept her eyes on the ground as Hiccup placed an arm around her waist.

Stoick continued, “You can stay with us as long as you wish, whatever you need, we’ll provide.”

A slew of responses buzzed in Astrid’s head. _Thank you. This means so much. I’m lucky to have you guys…_ But, she was unable to vocalize any of it. She just stared on, the world around her hazy through the grief…

“I’ll take care of her, Dad.” Hiccup finally said, giving his father a sad smile.

“Aye,” Stoick gave a nod. “I know you will, son.”

“Come on, Astrid. Watch your step.” He said as he escorted her up the narrow staircase to his room, it took a while, her body drained of energy in all fashions. But eventually, they made it. Just as they finished ascending, Toothless crawled in through the skylight in the roof, eyeing the pair and warbling happily.

“Hey, bud. We have company tonight.” Hiccup said to his dragon, as the Night Fury curled up on his rock, settling down and leaving the humans to go about their business.

Hiccup guided Astrid over to his bed, sitting her down, before moving to the opposite side of his room. Her eyes followed him, and she noticed a wooden tub sitting in the corner. Hiccup went up to it, briefly putting his hand inside, she saw that it was filled with water.

“I had this prepared for you earlier.” He said. “Figured you’d want to wash up.”

She did, in all honesty. Her hair, skin and clothes were still coated in soot. She desperately wished to rid herself of the smell, unable to keep the memories of earlier that day from popping into her mind as the aroma would occasionally overwhelm her senses.

“Toothless.” Hiccup prompted the dragon towards the tub. Though the creature was not too thrilled about getting up from his comfy spot, he padded over to the object, giving a small plasma blast into the water, which made the liquid bubble and steam. Hiccup placed his hand inside once more, content with the warmth of it, he made his way back to his bed and hesitantly took a seat next to Astrid.

“Did you bring any extra clothes in Stormfly’s saddle bag?” He asked.

Astrid thought for a moment, realizing that she hadn’t. In the rush to get to Berk, she hadn’t packed a single thing. Thinking that if she’d need anything, there’d be extras at her parents house…

Her lip quivered, she shook her head.

“That’s okay, you can wear one of my old tunics for the night. They’re in the dresser.” He said, giving her a sad smile. He placed a hand on her leg, wishing she’d meet his eyes, but not expecting it. “There’s soap and a towel on the stool over there. Are… are you gonna need any help? I can go get Ruffnut-”

“No.” She said shortly, speaking for the first time in hours. “I can do it.”

“Okay.” He said, gently rubbing her leg before standing from his spot, eyeing Toothless from his place on the rock. He felt compelled to ask. “Uh, do you mind him being in here?”

She followed his gaze, finding the dragon already drifting off into sleep. “He’s fine.”

He smiled, moving towards the staircase. “I’ll be back in a bit, call if you need anything.”

He briefly waited for a response, before realizing he wouldn’t get one. With that, Hiccup made his way downstairs, leaving her alone with the slumbering Night Fury.

She sat there for some time, finding the motivation to simply get up from her place on the bed. When she finally did, she found herself zoned out entirely. Not realizing she’d stripped naked and stepped into the warm bath water until she was submerged to her shoulders, the steam rising from the surface and masking her face in a warm glow.

She undid her braids, combing through her dirty hair with her fingers and dipping her head underwater. Grabbing the soap from beside her, she began scrubbing the ash and muck from her skin and hair. It wasn’t an easy task, as the material had been caked on her for nearly a full day by this point. She scrubbed hard, rubbing her sensitive skin raw in more than a few areas, attempting to wash away any reminders of what had taken place that day. But it didn’t stop her mind from wandering, thinking back to the same question she’d asked herself a million times since that fateful moment.

_Why?_

Of all the places on Berk… all the structures it could’ve hit…

It made no sense to her, how the universe could’ve been so accurate in that moment. How her parents just _happened_ to be home at the time of the attack. So many factors had to align, it seemed entirely improbable. Like the odds of betting on the smallest, slowest boat in the regatta to win it all. She thought through the events that must've taken place over and over, Dagur’s ship would’ve had to-

That was the moment her fists clenched into the strands of wet hair she’d been washing, her blood boiled with a rage unlike anything she’d felt in her entire life.

Dagur… it was _his_ fault.

He’d KILLED her parents!

Astrid grit her teeth so hard it hurt, shaking in unadulterated hatred.

She would find that monster… She’d tie him down, make him bear witness as she _skinned_ him alive. Then, she’d burn the torn flesh that was left, _oh,_ his screams of agony would be music to her ears…

Dagur, he was responsible for all of this. _He_ was the reason her parents were gone.

And just like that, her eyes became misty once more. As she was reminded yet again of her new reality, a reality without her mother and father.

Her parents were _gone._

Her tears mixed with the soapy water on her cheeks, falling into the water below. She started sobbing, though remaining quiet as possible to not alert Hiccup of her distress. Burying her head in her wet hands, she cried and cried, until the bathwater turned from warm to cool against her chilled skin, and she felt compelled to leave.

She stood, letting the water cascade down her, now clean, naked body. Stepping out of the tub, she reached for the towel Hiccup had left for her, using it to slowly dab away the water on her body. Skin feeling numb in the cold air of his room. She pressed her face into the cloth, allowing it to soak up the remainder of her tears before setting it aside.

She reached for her underwear, slipping it on and deciding to abandon her breast bindings, not feeling like assembling them onto her chest, she’d just sleep without them. Making her way to the dresser, she idly opened it, studying the contents therein and picking up one of Hiccup's green tunics.

Despite its age, it appeared clean. She slipped it over her head, finding that it reached her mid-thigh almost perfectly. The neckhole was a bit oversized, and she’d have to mind bending over when she was wearing it, as both her naked chest and undercarriage would be in full view. Gods, she hadn’t realized how much Hiccup had actually _grown_ over the years, always subconsciously picturing him as the small, frail runt with a similar build to herself. And while he was still small for a Viking, such was clearly not the case any longer. Nonetheless, it was soft, comfy and smelled like Hiccup. All of which she treasured.

With nothing left to do but wait, she sauntered around his room. Staring at the drawings on his wall, studying the mechanics of all the crazy inventions he’d mapped out when they still lived on Berk, _anything_ to distract her before she let herself fall into another crying fit.

After a while of snooping, she’d made it over to the top of the staircase, hearing the faint noise of voices on the floor below. Not really taking a moment to contemplate the morality of eavesdropping, she listened in…

“I can’t fix it, Dad…” She heard, followed by a series of sniffles and huffs.

That was Hiccup. He sounded… was he…

Crying?

“I know what you’re feeling, son. Berk is _my_ village, you don’t think I feel responsible?”

Stoick now, he sounded emotional as well. Astrid leaned in closer, peeking down just enough to catch sight of the two sitting before the firepit. Indeed, Hiccup’s face appeared wet, his nose and eyes a vibrant red in the dim firelight. 

The boy buried his head in his hands, “No- it’s different for me. _I’m_ the leader of the dragon riders, it was _my_ fight with Dagur. He’s after _me.”_ He let out a sob. “It’s MY fault this happened!”

Stoick got up from his seat, standing beside his son and placing a large hand on his back.

“Hiccup, you _know_ that isn’t true. It’ll eat away at you if you continue those thoughts, believe me…”

Hiccup shook his head, “I just want to take her pain away, Dad! She doesn’t deserve this.”

Stoick rubbed his back gently, similar to how Hiccup had comforted Astrid herself just earlier that day.

“I know, son… I know.”

Astrid watched on, even as the two below fell into silence. Part of her felt nothing but remorse for her closest friend. Hiccup shouldn’t feel responsible, it had been Dagur! There’s no way they could’ve known about the attack, could they’ve?.. No, no way at all. There couldn’t _possibly_ have been.

But another, _deeply_ selfish side of her felt anger at what she was seeing. A father, comforting his child in the wake of tragedy. Something she, herself, would never get to experience again…

It wasn’t _fair!_

Her nails dug into her palms, studying the familial scene before her until she could take it no more. Tears blurred her vision as she stormed back over to his bed, sitting on the side opposite of the stairway and gripping the wet locks of her hair. She combed through the blonde strands with her fingers, catching on a knot of tangles, and pulling at it hard, feeling the burn on her scalp as she did so. But she didn’t mind. Even realizing something…

When she pulled, the _pain_ she felt on her head, it made the suffocating ache in her heart less noticeable.

Huh… she pulled harder.

She winced at the sensation of her hair being ripped harshly out of her flesh, the _snapping_ of strands reverberating through her skull. Until she pulled her hand away, staring down at the tangle of blonde that now settled into her palm, the pain of loss somehow muted as her scalp burned, though it was quick to return as the sensation on her head faded, and she was left feeling exactly as she had before.

Before she could reach for more hair, the sound of someone ascending the stairs behind her caught her attention.

“Astrid, are you decent?” Hiccup’s voice called.

“Yeah.” She replied softly, voice raspy from emotion.

Hiccup appeared over the crest of the stairs, holding a wooden cup carefully in his hands. He looked far different from when she’d last caught sight of him, his face was no longer red with sadness, but instead, he appeared entirely normal. Even giving her a little smile.

He walked over to the bed, stopping when he stood beside her. “You look better. Do… do you feel any better?”

Studying the floor beneath her, her toes traced the faint lines in the sturdy wood. She shrugged her slumped shoulders.

“My Dad went out on patrol for the night, so it’s just you and me.” Hiccup’s little smile faded, looking down at the cup in his hands and handing it to her. “I-I brought you some broth, figured you should have something in your belly.”

She hesitated, before taking it with a shaky hand and sniffing the contents of the cup. Though she could feel the warmth on her skin, her nose was far too stuffed from a day of crying to smell anything. She took a sip, unable to taste any flavor in the broth, but enjoying the heat as it slid down her sore throat.

Hiccup walked towards the bath as she continued sipping, finding the pile of her clothes and armor and folding them neatly.

“I’ll have these washed first thing tomorrow. Of course, you can have my bed for the night.” He said, heading back to the bed and bending down to retrieve some furs beneath the frame. He held them close to his body, hesitant to speak his next words. “Umm, d-do you want to be alone?”

Astrid finally looked at him, her blank stare fueling his anxiety.

“I-I mean, I understand if you do!” He stuttered. “I just wasn't sure if you’d want someone around… I’ll sleep downstairs otherwise, but if you-”

“Stay.” She said shortly.

It was a relief to hear, he gave her another smile before laying the furs onto the floor in front of Toothless’ rock. Astrid placed her cup on the nightstand next to the bed, her eyes finding the floor once again as time seemed to pass indefinitely.

“Are you gonna be able to sleep?” He eventually asked.

It almost made her laugh. She was _exhausted,_ no doubt, but also entirely restless. The idea of getting sleep at all was frightening, because she knew when she’d wake up, there would be just a few brief, blissful moments where she’d be convinced the horrid events of the previous day were nothing more than a cruel nightmare. Then she’d realize… she’d realize it was all real, _all_ over again. She didn’t think she’d be able to take it.

Hiccup must’ve taken her silence as an answer.

“What if…” He started, sauntering over to where she sat. “What if you have something to take your mind off everything. Like-” He picked up an old copy of the book of dragons from his work table. “Like if we read together?”

Thor above, Hiccup was the sweetest boy she’d ever met. His little smile, and the hopeful look in his eyes nearly melted her. And without much thought into whether she _really_ wanted to or not, she nodded.

He rounded the corner of the bed, climbing on and resting his back against the headboard, patting the space next to him. Astrid scooted close to him, settling into his warmth and feeling a flutter in her chest as he wrapped an arm around her. He opened the book, choosing a random page to start with as she rested her head against his shoulder.

They sat mostly in silence, Hiccup flipping through the pages while occasionally rambling about a past memory or encounter with one of the dragons the book depicted. But in all honesty, she wasn’t paying much attention to his words, or even the contents of the book. Instead, she focused on his warm hold on her small body. It was a little surprising, as she assumed he’d be a bit more flustered whilst holding her so close, in his own bed, her being freshly bathed and wearing one of his old shirts…

But he appeared normal, almost _too_ normal. As if he was putting on an act for her sake. She somewhat appreciated it, if her speculations were true. Although, she had worn her emotions on her sleeve in front of him the entire day, she didn’t want him to think he couldn’t do the same. But, she supposed that was just Hiccup being Hiccup. Always wanting to fix things, never showing weakness in times where he was depended upon. Predictable, but still a bit disappointing.

Though, the fact that she wasn’t paying much attention meant that her mind began to wonder. Thinking of memories of her own, the familiarity of their position bringing her back to when she was just a toddler. Where she would joyfully bounce up and down on her small bed, waiting impatiently as her mother picked out a storybook to read before tucking her in for the night. She would be held, just as she was now, as her mother’s sweet voice lulled her to exhaustion with tales of mythical warriors and monsters. She would often fall into a quick and peaceful slumber against her mother’s breast, to which the woman would smile, kissing her little girl’s head and gently tucking her into the blankets for the night.

_“Sweet dreams, my little warrior…”_

And just like that, tears fell down her cheeks once more. She sniffled, uselessly attempting to mute her cries, but it was too late. Hiccup had noticed, stopping his rambling about Thunderdrums and looking worriedly at her.

“My mother… used to read to me.” She managed.

Hiccup pushed the book aside, encompassing her in another warm embrace as she fell into a fit of sobs and cries. After a moment of thought, he made a risky decision, pulling back to look into her face.

“Astrid, look at me.” He said gently, waiting patiently until her pained, watery blue eyes met his. “I… I can’t even _begin_ to imagine what you’re feeling. But, my father told me something when I was little, it always stuck with me.”

She struggled to silence her sobs as he spoke. He wiped a few stray tears from her face, brushing her wet hair aside as well.

“He told me, with love comes loss, and that… maybe, even though it hurts, it’s all worth it in the end.”

For a while, she was silent. Sobs finally ceasing as she stared off into nothing, seemingly going over his words in her mind. Until, much to his surprise, her eyes met his. No longer filled with sadness, but instead… rage.

“You don’t even _have_ a mother...” She said, face twisting in anger. “How could you possibly say that to me?”

Ouch.

Astrid pushed away from his hold, standing from the bed on shaky legs and pacing across the wooden floor.

Hiccup’s brows hitched in concern, “Astrid, I didn’t mean to-”

“You went looking for him, right?” She growled, unprompted.

“What?”

“Dagur!” She yelled, hands balling into fists. “Did you look for him, or not?!”

Hiccup blinked, “Yes, I-I did… We’re gonna find him, Astrid-”

“And when you do, _I_ get to deal with him, understand?!” She stopped pacing, tears shimmering on her angry face in the candlelight of the loft.

“Of course.” Hiccup said, cowering a bit. He didn’t want to upset her further.

Though, it was far too late for that.

Astrid shook her head, “I don’t get it, Hiccup. I don’t GET IT!” She kicked over the nearby stool in frustration, sending the object clambering to the floor. Toothless stirred at this, opening an eye to observe the scene before him.

She continued, breathless. “Of all the houses on Berk, of ALL the places that _godsforsaken_ catapult could’ve struck!” She grabbed a stack of books from his work desk, flinging them against the wall with all her strength.

“Astrid-” Hiccup stood, holding palms out to her. “You need to calm down!”

“We should’ve known, Hiccup!” She argued, her chest heaving. She violently punched the wooden wall, repeatedly beating it with her fists. “We should’ve KNOWN Berk would be attacked!”

“ASTRID!” Hiccup yelled in desperation.

She turned to him, staring into his eyes with pure hatred. _“YOU_ SHOULD’VE KNOWN-!”

She stopped then, all the anger draining from her features, leaving her looking stunned at the words she had just spoken. Her eyes fell to the ground as she choked on a few breaths of air, before collapsing completely with a hard _thud_ onto the floor, erupting into a symphony of wails and sobs.

Hiccup didn’t hesitate, running to her side and kneeling over her small form. She curled into a ball on the cold wood, holding herself tightly even as he placed cautious, gentle hands on her arm and hip.

“H-Hiccup!” She choked out after some time. “I’m s-so _sorry!_ I didn’t mean it! ANY of it-!”

“It’s alright, Astrid.” He said softly, rubbing warmth into her trembling body. “You’re just upset…”

So he stayed there with her, no longer attempting to speak. While her words had hurt, he knew she hadn’t meant it. The guilt he was feeling was absolutely nothing in comparison to the pure heartbreak he knew Astrid was going through. He would stay with her, no matter what happened. Even as her sobs turned to whimpers, and her whimpers fell silent, and the steady rise and fall of her chest insinuated that she’d _somehow_ fallen into a much needed slumber. Even as he gently picked her up, placing her onto his bed and tucking the blankets around her lithe body. Even as he sat at the bedside, stroking her hair and giving a silent prayer to the gods above that she’d find peace. Even as he snuffed out the candles of the room, plunging the two of them into quiet darkness...

He would stay…

**Bargaining**

Astrid layed there on the bed, covers messily drawn around her waist. The pillow beneath her damp with all the tears she’d cried throughout the early morning hours, as she waited in Hiccup’s quiet bedroom for him to return…

It was somewhat dark, the only light coming from the partially opened skylight, which gave her a slight view of the vibrant blue sky above Berk. It was funny, the weather in Berk was always dreary, days where the air would be warm and the sky would be clear were seen as somewhat of a rarity. And now, she almost thought of it as the gods playing a sick joke on her. The world didn’t even give her enough consideration to make the _weather_ as grim as she herself felt.

Hiccup had left a while ago, mentioning something about washing her clothes and helping to organize island cleanup for the next few days. She wasn’t really paying attention. In fact, she hadn’t said a word to him since her explosive episode the night prior. It was almost as if she thought the terrible day _itself_ coming to an end would somehow bring an end to the grief she was feeling.

Oh so surprisingly, it hadn’t.

Her head was pounding from lack of sufficient sleep. Though she’d gained a little, her mind refused to stop replaying the traumatic memory of seeing her parents’ bodies. Every time she closed her eyes, she would see their charred flesh, their crushed limbs and innards strewn about all around them. She had fluctuated between _attempting_ to sleep and crying profusely since long before the sun had risen.

But it wasn’t only the visions that kept her up, there was something else as well…

A voice. Deep inside her head, refusing to leave her since it had spoken it’s first Thor-damned words. The voice was taunting, and buzzed through her skull like a wasp. And every time she could distract herself enough to forget it, it would reappear again. Spouting the same nonsense each time…

_Do you think they died instantly?_

_Or did they suffer?_

_Did you even tell them you loved them_ _the last time they saw you?_

 _I bet they were wishing you were there to save them,_ _they were counting on you._

Astrid covered her ears with her hands, as if the act could somehow drown out a fictitious voice in her own _mind._ Trying everything to ignore it, she buried her face into the pillow, balled her fists into the blankets, bit her tongue so hard she could taste blood. Nothing stopped it.

_Why weren’t you there to stop it?_

_You were careless._

_This wouldn’t have happened otherwise._

_Some warrior you are._

_Your parents gave you everything, and you couldn’t even protect them..._

She whimpered into the fabrics, rolling onto her back, body squirming with restlessness. Licking her chapped lips, she swallowed dryly. Looking over to the bedside table, there was a tankard of water Hiccup had left for her.

Water… yes, she needed water.

Astrid rolled over again, reaching for the cup from the bedside. It was somewhat far away, on the opposite end of the table from the bed. Knowing she’d be too weak and trembling to stand, she reached further, bracing herself on the wooden frame until her fingers were just brushing it.

_Your parents could’ve used water, when they were burning alive…_

The thought made all the strength in her limbs falter, and she gracelessly tumbled off the side of the bed, landing hard on the floor beneath. Pain shot through her hip, which had taken most of the impact. She winced, finding the strength and shakily attempting to move…

_I wonder if the village heard their screams?_

_Were they trapped after the impact, dying while their home burned around them?_

_Were they calling out for you?_

_Did they even know what was happening?_

_Did they get to say goodbye to one another?_

“Shut up!” Astrid cried, nails clawing at the floorboards. “Just SHUT UP!”

_If only you had done more._

_You knew Dagur would be attacking._

_You knew he would go after Berk._

_Why didn’t you warn anyone?_

“No-!” She wailed, tears streaming down her face. “I didn’t know! I DIDN’T!”

_Yes you did._

_Yes you did._

_Yes you did._

_They’re dead because of you._

_You killed your parents._

_They trusted you._

_This is your fault…_

“NOOOOOO!!!”

Astrid slammed her head forward, temple _cracking_ against the sturdy wooden bed frame. Pain rattled through her head and neck, but miraculously, the voice had stopped. She took a shaky breath, relishing in the silence of the moment… at least, while it lasted.

_YOUR FAULT!_

_YOUR FAULT!_

_YOUR FAULT!_

She couldn’t take it. Repeating the motion, she banged her head against the frame. Again, and again, and again…

“Astrid?” Hiccup called as he entered his house, closing the large door behind him. “Your clothes are hung, they should be dry in a few-”

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

The rhythmic noise caught Hiccup’s attention before he could finish his statement. It was coming from upstairs…

Ascending the steps, it grew louder and louder. Until he stood in the entryway to his room, spotting Astrid on the far end of his bed, repeatedly _slamming_ her head into the frame. It only took him a moment to react-

“ASTRID!”

Sprinting across his room, he dropped to his knees beside her, swiftly pushing his hand between her and the wood. Finally spotting the streaks of blood that had begun trailing down the side of her face. _How long had she been doing this?_

“Astrid! What are you-?!”

He winced as she pushed him away, kicking him violently with her legs and fighting off his advances.

“NO! GET AWAY!” She demanded, attempting to throw her head back towards the bed frame.

“STOP!” Hiccup begged.

Realizing he had no other choice, he grabbed for her torso, putting all his strength into pulling her backwards. They landed hard on the wooden floor, and Hiccup swiftly rolled on top of her, pinning her to the ground face to face, despite her fighting against him.

“Let me _go!”_ Astrid cried, tears mixing with the fresh blood on her face.

She was frantic, the voice in her head screaming since she’d stopped hurting herself.

_YOUR FAULT!_

_YOUR FAULT!_

_YOUR FAULT!_

She thrashed against him, but he was stronger. Holding her in place with his arms and legs.

“Hiccup! PLEASE!” She screamed at him, before something entirely bizarre happened.

He leaned down, furiously pressing his lips to hers in a desperate, unexpected kiss. She blinked, unshed tears slipping from her eyes as she did so. Struggling more only made him push further into her, as his humid breath escaped his nose and trickled across her wet face. That was when Astrid finally noticed...

The voice was gone.

Seconds went by, nothing. It didn’t return. Relishing in the moment, the reality of her position set in. Hiccup was kissing her.

Finally relaxing, she parted her dry lips, allowing him even deeper inside. He took the invitation, tongue dipping into her mouth. He loosened his grip on her body, allowing one of his hands to slide to her face, cupping her flushed cheek as he kissed harder.

It had been a last resort on his part, not wanting to hurt her and being forced to act as she was hurting herself. And as much as he hated being so abrupt, he couldn’t help but feel his pulse quicken as he kissed Astrid. A _deep_ kiss, more intimate than anything they’d ever done before.

Getting lost in time, he eventually drew upwards from her, looking into her now-calm eyes while remaining silent, as if everything he’d wanted to say, he’d said through the kiss. She studied his face, feeling an onslaught of emotion and unsure about how to react to any of it. They seemed to read each other perfectly: it hadn’t been unwanted, or forced, or even awkward.

It had been necessary.

No, ‘necessary’ wasn’t the most _romantic_ of terms she’d use to describe their first kiss in years, but an honest one, nonetheless.

And with the devilish voice finally rid of her mind…

She would take necessary.

**Depression**

Astrid finished pulling her shirt onto her body, taking a moment to enjoy the fresh, clean scent as it passed over her nose. She tucked the ends of it into her leggings, not bothering with her skirt or armor, she had no plans to go anywhere, so there was little point.

“I’m done.” She said quietly.

Hiccup turned to look at her from his seat on the bed, giving her a little smile.

“What?” She asked as he stared her up and down.

He shook his head, “Nothing, you’re just beautiful.”

Astrid couldn’t help but blush at his comment, making her way back over to the bed and sitting beside him. He covered her hand with his own, using the other to dab at her head wound with the ice-filled pouch he’d been holding.

Hiccup had sent for Gothi her after the incident earlier that day, to which the woman concluded it would just result in some nasty bruising. Still, Hiccup couldn’t help but feel lucky he’d walked in on her when he did.

“How does it feel now?” He asked.

She winced as he went in for another dab, “Still sore, but, better. I suppose.”

Suddenly, the sound of someone heavy entering the house shook the floor beneath them. Catching the teens’ attention.

Astrid looked at him questioningly, “Your Dad?”

He drew the ice pack away, squeezing her hand in his fingers. “I told Fishlegs I’d meet with the riders to set up island patrols for the next few days. My Dad said he’d come home so you’d have someone here. Are… are you gonna be okay if I go for a bit?”

She hesitated for a few moments, but forced a smile. “Yeah… yeah, go ahead. I’ll be fine.”

“Alright.” He said, before leaning in for a kiss. To which she happily accepted, a brief surge of youthful euphoria hitting her chest as she did so.

But just as quick as he’d pressed his lips to hers, he drew away. Setting the ice pack on the bedside, he gave her a final peck on the top of her head as he stood, exiting his room and thumping down the staircase. Then, she was alone.

The faux smile she’d been wearing for him faded, as did all the tension from her body as she laid atop the bed once more. Tender head settling against the pillow as she stared up into the ceiling.

It was strange, while the all-encompassing ache in her heart still hung heavy, she was unable to muster any more tears. She was… unable to do much of _anything._ Even having to remind herself to blink, or simply _breathe_ once she felt the burn of pain from refraining to do either. It felt as if there was a boulder on her chest, weighing her down into the bed and refusing to give way.

She just wanted it to _end…_

The grief she felt, it was the most torturous pain she’d ever experienced. More so than any hit she’d taken, bone she’d broken, or arrow that had pierced her flesh. No, this was entirely different. Constant, unrelenting and _refusing_ to give her relief.

Memories of her mother and father passed through her mind every minute, happy, sad, and everything in between. She wanted so badly to look at them with fondness, to smile at the times they’d had. But instead, she was destroying herself thinking of the times they would _never_ have.

They wouldn’t be there at her wedding, nor would her mother gush over picking out the perfect dress to wear before the village. She’d never hear the excitement in their voices when she’d tell them she was pregnant, or see the love on their faces as they met their grandchildren. They’d never give her advice when she doubted herself as a mother, or tell stories of their own insecurities they’d faced as parents. No… none of it would ever happen. Not anymore.

She rolled onto her side, screwing her eyes shut and trying to focus on _anything_ else. Gods, she just wanted relief. Just for a moment, she wanted an escape from the heavy weight that encompassed her. Thinking through her options…

She wasn’t tired, even if she could sleep, the nightmares would be too much to bear. She wasn’t hungry, hell, the _thought_ of food made her feel nauseated, even though she hadn’t had anything solid in over a day. She didn’t want to read, or braid her hair, or do _anything_ that required attention and energy. Which only left…

...no.

She shouldn’t.

But thinking it over, it made logical sense. The only _good_ feelings she’d had since yesterday had been when Hiccup was holding her, touching her, or kissing her. This wouldn’t be much different than that, right? She was already lying in his bed, surely he wouldn’t mind...

Not that he’d know, but even then, he’d probably _relish_ the idea.

It was worth a try. Slowly, she trailed her hand down her frontside, slipping it beneath her leggings and underwear. Raking her fingers through her dry folds, she pressed her middle digit into her clit, gently rubbing herself while rocking her hips in time with the strokes. An act that typically got her warmed up fairly quickly, with her shorter sessions lasting only a few minutes. But, something felt off beneath her fingers.

The usual tingles of arousal she felt associated with such an act were barren, as was any pleasure she expected to produce. In all honesty, it didn’t feel like much of _anything._

Astrid quickly grew frustrated, rubbing herself harder, free hand grasping the blanket beneath her tightly. Still nothing. She went for more extreme measures, slipping her fingers lower and forcing two digits into her dry hole. Her entrance burned at the unexpected sensation, but she wriggled them deeper nonetheless. She rubbed the tips of her fingers along the deep innards of her channel, finding no sensation at all aside from discomfort in her awkwardly-bent wrist. She thought of everything she typically did when engaged in such acts, thoughts that were _far_ easier than normal to conjure up, considering she was laying in Hiccup’s bed, who was always the main character of her illicit fantasies. Surrounded by his scent, and the recent memories of his kisses, it should’ve been easy. But still, her efforts proved useless.

She growled, actually _growled_ as she extracted her hand, rolling onto her back once again and losing her vision in the boards of the ceiling above her. Sure, the euphoria that came with masturbation was temporary, that much she’d been expecting. But it would’ve been _something._ Instead, she was left with the agonizing weight pressing her down once more, with no escape from it as the day went on and on.

Time passed feverishly as she continued staring, only noticing someone had entered the room when she heard a nervous _cough_ at the entryway. She glanced over, finding Stoick holding a full plate and tankard in his hands.

“Astrid, umm, I-I didn’t mean to bother you. I just...” He said, choosing his words carefully. He held up the contents in his hands. “Hiccup had mentioned you like cod.”

She sat up from her position, long, unbraided hair falling down her back and shoulders. Looking at her Chief, she managed a small smile.

“I do, that’s very kind of you.”

Stoick smiled back, walking over to the bed and handing her the plate, placing the tankard on the nightstand. She looked down at the food, stomach growling as she studied the contents. Apparently, her need for nutrition had finally won against her mind, hunger creeping in rather quickly.

“Umm,” Stoick muttered, nervously rubbing his large fingers against his palms. “May I sit for a moment?”

Astrid blinked, “Of course, Chief.”

He smiled warmly, taking a seat next to her. “Astrid, you know you can call me Stoick. No need for formalities.”

Her eyes fell, unconsciously enjoying the casual nature of their position.

He continued, “Look, I just wanted to say… your parents, they were two of the finest Vikings I’ve ever known.”

Astrid kept her gaze low as he spoke, fearing that her walls would crack again if she looked him in the eyes. She refused to do that in front of her Chief, no matter how close they were.

Stoick sighed, “I know how it feels to lose someone so… unexpectedly. It’s easy to feel like you’re responsible in some way, like there’s something you could’ve done differently to change things. There’s _nothing_ you could’ve done to prevent this, you understand that?”

_No…_

But she nodded anyways.

“Good.” He placed a hand on her back. “It’ll get easier, Astrid. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but… as a father, I can speak from experience. If _I_ died tomorrow, I wouldn’t want Hiccup to dwell on it. I’ve lived a good life, watching him grow up, I have no doubt your parents felt the same. Odin knows you made them _so_ proud, anyone would be lucky to have you as a daughter.”

Despite her sadness, his words sparked a little warmth in her chest. The corners of her mouth tweaked into a sad smile. “Thank you, Stoick.”

“Of course,” He stood from his position. “Well, I’ll leave you be. There’s more downstairs if you’re still hungry, what’s ours is yours.”

With that, he exited the room, carefully making his way down the steps and leaving her in silence.

She stared down at the plate in her hands, grabbing the fork and poking around the cooked fish. Cutting a piece, she took a hefty bite, expecting the familiar taste of her favorite food to fill her senses. It didn’t, strangely enough, the food had no flavor at all. Except…

Ashes.

Disgusted, she spit the contents back onto the plate, mind swarming in confusion. Gods, she couldn’t even _taste_ normally, what in Thor’s name was happening to her?! Desperate to rid her mouth of the taste, she picked up the tankard, briefly looking inside and finding herself surprised at the deep red color of the contents. Mead.

Huh, she brought the cup to her lips, sipping the sweet liquid. While the taste was a bit more poignant than the fish, what Astrid really noticed was the burn of alcohol sliding down her throat and pooling in her stomach. It... wasn’t so bad. In fact, it gave her a sense of relief, actually _feeling_ something.

She continued drinking, moving from taking occasional sips to downing the entire cup. Finding herself disappointed when it was empty. With nothing better to do, she stood from the bed, moving to the staircase and making it halfway down when she realized how still the house was.

“Stoick?” She called, making it to the bottom. Finding that the living quarters of the house was entirely empty, with no sign of her Chief.

Her confusion was quickly forgotten when she spotted the barrel of mead alongside the wall, moving towards it and opening the top. Finding it mostly full, she smiled…

It was after sunset before Hiccup was flying back to the village from the academy, worry pooling in his chest, he hoped Astrid was doing okay without him. Eager to get home, Toothless was flying low, both rider and dragon surprised when they spotted Gobber flagging them down from the smithy. Nonetheless, the two landed idly in the streets of Berk.

“Ah, surprised to see you out at this hour.” Gobber mused, face dirty and tired from a day of repairs.

Hiccup sighed, “Don’t get me started. Too much going on.”

“That, I understand.” He said, wiping his hand against his ragged shirt. His usual hard expression fading into one of sadness. “I just wanted to let you know, the… _funeral_ will be tomorrow at sun up. West beach.”

Hiccup blinked, “You’re telling me this _now?”_

“Didn’t find out myself ‘till just a while ago. Guess we can’t keep their bodies around much longer than that, it’d just be cruel.” He shook his head. “Figured you should be the one to tell the lass.”

Hiccup rubbed the side of his face, “Great, just great.”

Gobber’s eyes fell, “Look Hiccup, having to tell her what happened… it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

Hiccup was silent, somewhat grateful he hadn’t been there for _that_ part. Though, he still felt like he’d seen more than he ever wanted.

Gobber continued, “All I’m saying is, I’m proud of you for stepping up for her these past couple of days. She’s lucky to have you…”

The blacksmith's comment made Hiccup smile, but before he could respond, he was caught off guard by the distant sound of a familiar voice.

His… father’s?

“Send more men to get the logs, we need to stabilize this foundation!”

Hiccup looked over his shoulder, seeing his father a ways up the street, directing a group of Vikings around one of the destroyed buildings.

“I-I have to go!” Hiccup stuttered, leaving Gobber before the man could even vocalize a response.

Toothless glided up the street, landing in front of the group. Stoick noticed the dragon immediately, “Son-”

“Dad, where’s Astrid?” Hiccup pressed, fear surging through his veins.

“She’s at the house, there was a structural emergen-”

“You left her by _herself?!”_

“Hiccup-!” Stoick called to his son, but he had already flown off.

He reached the Haddock home in record time, hopping from Toothless and slamming the front door open.

“Astrid-?!” Hiccup yelled, moving to run up the stairs, only stopping when he spotted a blonde head in the corner of his vision. He studied the living quarters, eyes falling on the large table near the back. Finding Astrid, her upper-body draped across the front of it, a spilled tankard just beyond her fingertips.

Hiccup blinked, before quickly making his way towards her.

“Astrid?” He asked softly, running a hand over her back. She appeared unconscious, he shook her a little. “Astrid, wake up-”

Suddenly, she shot upwards, surprising Hiccup enough to stumble back a few steps. She blinked a few times, and he saw that her typically-blue eyes were dilated to the point of being nearly black. She swayed a little, before finally realizing he was standing next to her.

“Hic-Hiccup!” She choked out, giving him a wide, almost _frightening_ smile.

He held up his hands as she swayed a little more violently. “Umm, Astrid-”

“I’ve been wondering where you were!” She said, words slurring together. Looking back at the table, she gasped, reaching out and grabbing the knocked-over tankard. She stared down into it, frowning. “Awwww, ‘ssss empty again!”

Again?

Concerned, Hiccup went over to the barrel of mead in the room, opening the top of it, he gasped. Finding it near-empty.

“Astrid, did you drink _all_ of this?!”

“Whoops!” She yelled, attempting to stand on wobbly legs. Hiccup dropped the lid to the barrel and rushed over, snaking an arm around her to give stability.

“Come on,” He said, moving her towards the staircase. “Let’s get you to bed.”

No luck, like a snake, she slithered out of his grasp. Falling on her butt with a loud _thud_ and erupting into a fit of giggles.

Hiccup sighed, bending down to grasp around her waist and legs, heaving to lift her up bridal-style. “Come on, you.” He said, carefully beginning to ascend the stairs.

“H-Hiccup!” She said a little too loudly in his ear, making him wince. “You… you’re my _boyfriend_ now!”

“Yes, I am.” He responded, catching his breath as he made it to the top without incident. He brought her to the bed, setting her down gently, even as she kept hold around his neck.

“Sooooo-” She dragged on. “If you’re my boyfriend, we can cuddle, right?”

She blinked at him, pouting her lip in the same way a child would when begging for sweets at a market.

It melted his heart, as he was still simply grateful she hadn’t tried _hurting_ herself while unsupervised. Though, drinking this much might possibly fall into that category. It was killing him, despite the fact that he was beyond relieved to see her smiling again, he knew it was just the alcohol. All of this was temporary.

“Yes Astrid, we can.”

Astrid grinned again, cheerfully scooting aside to allow him room to lay. He climbed in, settling against her and holding her tightly in his arms, she reached up, stroking his hair and the side of his face.

“Hey there.” She giggled, as their faces were nearly touching.

He smiled, but didn’t respond.

“Sooooo,” She repeated. “If you’re my boyfriend, does it mean we can _kiss?”_

Hiccup laughed a little, staring into her dark eyes. Their relationship still so knew, it was impossible not to feel the warmth of young love in his chest.

“Yes, it does.”

She took the first plunge, locking her lips to his and sliding her tongue deep into his mouth. He gasped at her eagerness, closing his eyes and letting her feel around his mouth. He tasted the sweet after flavor of the mead she’d drank, tinged on her tongue and hot on her humid breath. Hiccup wondered if it was enough to get _him_ intoxicated as well, feeling the effects of inebriation through Astrid’s lips alone.

Though, that probably wasn’t the alcohol.

She kissed deeper, only parting after a few minutes of hard, passionate tonguing. “Sooooo…”

He smiled, anticipating her next slur of drunken vocabulary.

“If you’re my boyfriend… does that mean you’ll _fuck_ me?..”

Hiccup’s eyes widened. _What..?_

Before he had time to think, she had pinned him to the bed, hopping atop and straddling him where he lay.

“Astrid! What are you- _mmf!”_

She silenced him with a desperate kiss, grabbing his hands and placing them on her waist. Hiccup blinked, eyes wide as she pulled away from his lips with a loud _smack._ The look in her eyes… he’d never seen anything like it.

“Fuck me, Hiccup. I want you to _fuck_ me.”

Hiccup gasped as she started humping herself against his groin, feeling his blood boil hot with arousal that was so quick to make itself present, he felt his limbs going numb. She leaned in again, furiously leaving a trail of wet kisses along his jaw and down his neck. The logical side of his brain was _screaming_ to push her away and stop all of this. But even if she _didn’t_ have him pinned down with all her weight, he couldn’t seem to work his arms properly anyways.

“Ah-!” He moaned into the air as she tongued his neck, fingers tightening around her waist.

She grabbed his hands again, sliding them back to grasp at her rear, making him gasp again. Kissing up his neck to his ear, she panted. “I know you stare at my ass when we fly, Hiccup. I've seen you... Do you like the way it feels?”

Squeezing his hands against her fleshy cheeks, she grinded against him even harder. Hiccup’s breath hitched as her undercarriage rubbed against his growing erection, fear and excitement alike twisting in his chest.

“Astrid-!”

“It’s okay,” She breathed against his skin. “I stare at your ass too.”

He caught another whiff of the alcohol on her breath, and the rational side of him made itself present once more. This was wrong, _very_ wrong. She was intoxicated, _grieving_ for gods’ sakes! He couldn’t let this go on.

“We- oh _gods...”_ He huffed, going a little cross-eyed at the feeling of her soft underside humping faster against his cock. “A-Astrid, we need to stop!”

She was having none of it, pinning down his shoulders to sneak in for another deep kiss.

“You like my ass.” She muttered against his lips, breath ghosting his face as she grabbed the hem of her disheveled shirt. “What about my tits?” Pulling it over her head in a single move, tossing it aside and leaving her in her tight bindings.

The sight was _mesmerizing_ as her golden hair fell down her bare sides, she bit her lip as she continued grinding. Her face twisting in pleasure as she rocked her sensitive spot against his hard length.

“Mmmfh- _fuck_ yes! Hiccup!”

Hiccup groaned as he fought to push her hips away, numbness in his arms making it difficult to do much of anything aside from lay there and take the pleasure. Which was, admittedly, what his body was craving for him to do. Sometimes he wished he _wasn’t_ the responsible leader his father had raised him to be.

But this was moving too fast. They’d only started dating a few _hours_ ago! He couldn’t betray her like this.

“ASTRID!” Hiccup yelled, pushing her arms away and sitting upward. Grasping her upper body and stilling her thrusts.

She stopped moving entirely, staring him in the eyes with dissatisfaction written all over her face.

“Astrid, you’re _drunk!”_ He pleaded. “We CAN’T do this!”

She didn’t move, studying his face intently. Moments went by before Hiccup even noticed that her hands were no longer on him, but instead, fidgeting with something behind her back. Just like that, her breast bindings fell from her body, and she tossed them aside as she had done with her shirt.

It was Hiccup’s turn to stare as he was suddenly faced with the bare chest of the girl he’d been pining for since childhood. Her perfect breasts stuck out before him, the dim candle light shining across her pale skin and illuminating thousands of little goosebumps across curved mounds. Pert, pink nipples pebbled in the chill air, leaving Hiccup breathless and trying to remember exactly _how_ to inhale at all.

The sight made his already impatient cock give an especially violent _throb._ Astrid must have felt it, as her eyes widened a bit before she glanced down at the point where his groin pressed against hers.

Her eyes met his again, the corners of her mouth twisting into a devilish smile.

Then, she pushed his body against the bed once more, Hiccup winced, mouth agape to release a startled gasp. That is, until she fiercely grasped the back of his head, and he felt something _especially_ strange. Something firm, warm and soft all at once pressed against the front of his face, part of it spilling into his open mouth. His eyes blinked open, growing as wide as saucers when he realized it was one of her _breasts._

Astrid had her entire chest pressed against his face, holding the back of his head against it tightly. The devilish look on her face intensified as she quickly restarted her humping, rocking back and forth on his swollen cock with reckless abandon. He gave an involuntary moan, mostly muted by the flesh in his mouth, sending vibrations through her sensitive breast and accidentally swiping his tongue across something stiff and rubbery. Arousal like he’d never experienced before surged through him when he realized it was her nipple.

Astrid was moaning now as well, her voice somewhat choppy through her frantic grinding. “FUCK! _Ohhh, yesyesyes!_ Please Hiccup... suck me!”

It was at this point Hiccup lost any sense of reason or morality, the desperation in her pleas casting some unholy, erotic spell over him. And suddenly, he was no longer the caring leader people had come to expect of him, he was just an unhinged, horny teenage boy who was being roughly dry-humped by the girl of his dreams. His eyes flickered closed as a sudden tremor of tingles plagued his groin in response to an especially precise thrust on her end, and he closed his soft lips around the hot flesh in his mouth, suckling the little nub eagerly while flicking it with the tip of his tongue.

“YES- _mmfh,_ Hiccup! That’s it!” Astrid moaned in rapture at the feeling of his wet mouth.

Purposefully, or instinctively, he wasn’t sure. But at some point he began thrusting his hips against her himself, his engorged penis seeking more friction. Never ceasing his sucking on her breast, one hand even reaching up to squeeze and massage her other, while his free hand snaked around her bare waist.

They continued like this for, what Hiccup would consider, an impressively long time before he felt the pressure in his lower abdomen becoming too noticeable to ignore. Sharp tingles filling his testicles, cautioning his impending release. His eyes widened at the feeling, halting his own thrusts as his mind bounced back and forth between wanting this to last and craving release all at once.

He pulled his mouth off her breast with a slick _pop,_ “Astrid-! Ahh, y-you need to slow down! Or else I’m gonna-!”

She silenced him with another kiss, before leaning upright and placing a hand on his chest for stability. Her head tilted back, letting out a long moan as she started humping so quickly, her hips became a blur. Hiccup nearly screamed, his senses overloading as the most heavenly of experiences was playing out before him. He studied her face, twisted in pleasure as her parted lips breathed symphonic moans. He watched her breasts, bouncing rapidly in time with her grinds. He glanced down to the place their groins met, seeing the protrusion of his hard cock nestled snugly between the folds of her clothed slit. Like she was riding him as if he were just another dragon…

Then he felt it, the feeling of slick, hot wetness finally seeping through her leggings and into the fabric over his cock. Coating him in warmth and confirming with _physical_ evidence just how aroused the girl straddling him truly was.

He… _he_ did that to her! He’d made her wet!

He’d made _Astrid_ wet!!!

“H-HICCUP!” She panted, staring desperately into his eyes. “I-I can feel it! Your cock… it feels _so_ good! _Sosososo_ good… I’m… I’m gonna cum… you’re gonna make me… you’re gonna… OH GODS!” Her back arched sharply, hands gripping his shoulders like a vice as she screamed with abandon. _“I’M CUMMING!!! Ohhhhhhh!”_

Within seconds, he felt a tsunami of hot liquid seep through her clothed slit and slather his cock. Her eyes crossed, mouth agape as she screamed in rapture of her climax.

Hiccup couldn't have held on longer if he _tried._

His fingers dug painfully into her hips, eyes rolling back in his skull and a choked scream caught in his throat as he was hit with the most intense orgasm of his entire life. His cock twitching violently as semen spurted recklessly into the confines of his pants, adding to the slimy mixture she’d already coated him with. Gods, he’d _definitely_ need a change of clothes after this…

Waves of pleasure surged through him for far longer than any climax he’d ever experienced. Going beyond his abdomen and coursing through his entire body, leaving him limp against her hold. He closed his eyes, settling against the blankets beneath him until his senses started to come back, albeit inebriated by the unrelenting satisfaction that came with such a prolific orgasm. He panted for a while, finally realizing that he was sporting a huge, somewhat inappropriate grin as he lay there. Though, he couldn’t exactly _help_ it. He was just a young lad, lost in the euphoria of his first sexual encounter with the most beautiful girl in the archipelago, of _course_ he was going to smile! Well, at least those were the thoughts his cloudy brain mustered up as an excuse.

That is, until he realized that said girl was still sitting _on top_ of him.

His eyes fluttered open a little, still hazy from pleasure as he caught sight of her beautiful figure straddling his hips.

“Mmmmm…” He mumbled, still grinning like a fool. “Assssstrid, that… that was… _amazing.”_

He laid there a while longer before realizing that she wasn’t responding, his face twisted a little in confusion, before he finally blinked away the post-orgasm haze. Looking at her a little closer, he noticed… she was frowning.

But she wasn’t frowning at him. She wasn’t looking at him at all. Instead, she was staring straight past him, at the wooden headboard. Although, she wasn’t really _looking_ at anything at all, she appeared lost in space and time, not moving, not even blinking.

He felt the last warmth of joyous afterglow inside him burn out, his brows hitching in concern. He shook her hips a little with his hands.

“Astrid?”

This seemed to get her attention, as she finally blinked, looking down at him with emotionless eyes. She lifted herself off of him, supporting her weight and backing up. Hiccup watched as their groins separated, both fabrics wetted and slick with their juices, a little string of the slimy fluids even connecting the two as she moved away. The sight alone was nearly enough to make him hard again, until the sudden _cooling_ of the wetness due to the dismounting of her warm body created the opposite effect. He winced, pulling himself upright and staring at his crotch.

“Errr, guess I didn’t realize this would be so messy…” He half-hearted, waiting for a response from the girl. But never got one.

He looked at her again, worry crossing his face as she simply sat there, sitting at the foot of his bed. Her eyes still not meeting his, but instead, staring at nothing. Her brows drew, lip quivering a little as she slowly went to cover her exposed breasts with her hands. Tears pooling in her blue eyes.

Okay, _now_ he was concerned.

“Astrid…” Hiccup said cautiously, scooting over to where she was and gently grasping her upper-arms. “Astrid, what’s wrong?”

Her eyes were less dilated now, and he saw the sadness in them even as she turned her gaze downwards.

“I… I just… thought it would be _different.”_

Hiccup’s blood ran icy.

Oh gods, he _knew_ he shouldn’t have let this happen!

“Odin's ghost…” He responded, feeling guilt stab at his chest. “A-Astrid, I’m so sorry. Was it… was it something I did wrong?”

She finally looked at him, confusion lining her features. “What?”

He blinked nervously, “I-I mean, I wasn’t _expecting_ us to do anything... _sexual,_ if I did something bad-”

“No Hiccup,” She sighed, breathless and emotional. “I’m not talking about _that.”_

Relief washed through him, but he was still concerned.

“Oh… then, what _are_ you talking about?”

She was silent for a while, tears slipping from her eyes and trailing down her flustered face. She took a shaky breath.

“I just thought… I thought if we, you know…” She closed her eyes. “That… that it would go away…”

Hiccup stared at her, finally understanding.

Her _grief._ She’d been trying to make it stop…

“I want it to _end_ Hiccup!” She choked back a sob. “I-It… it went away for a _while,_ when we were… But I still feel it! I just want it to _stop!”_

He pulled her into an encompassing hug as she fell into a fit of sobs. Odin above, he wanted it to stop as well. Seeing her like this was the worst thing he’d ever experienced...

Hiccup held her close, until she had cried every drop of tears her body could produce. He remembered kissing her head, her bruised temple, her wet cheek. And telling her that he wasn’t going anywhere. Then, he would clean the both of them up, get Astrid redressed, and settle the two of them down in his narrow bed. Which was definitely _not_ made for two people, but, it was all the more reason to hold her close. She would occasionally wake up, going back into a fit of cries against his chest. When that happened, he would hold her even tighter, rubbing her back lovingly and whispering to her what she already knew…

He was there... He would stay there...

The black sky soon grew into a faded twilight, and the restlessness that had plagued him since the night before turned into a dreaded anxiousness. He wished to every god above that he could just lay there, holding her until the end of time as she slumbered peacefully. But alas, he gently shook her awake.

“Astrid, it’s time to wake up.” He whispered as her puffy eyes fluttered open. “We have somewhere to be…”

  
  


**Acceptance**

Astrid’s hair blew around her shoulders in the chilled wind, it was probably the first time any of the Vikings surrounding her had seen it down, but she didn’t mind.

Her fingers trembled, grasping the bow and arrow tightly, the flames from the arrowhead flickering in the dim morning light. She looked ahead, watching the ship just beginning to slip into the fog of the sea. Tears in her tired eyes, she adjusted her stance on the rocky beach. Drawing her bow, and releasing.

Moments after, a slew of flaming arrows shot from behind her towards the moving ship. Striking all over the wooden structure, she watched as it caught fire, watched as smoke filled the harbor, watched as it slipped behind the dense fog, before disappearing completely into the sea.

Despite the large group of Vikings on the beach, all of which included her fellow villagers, her friends, and her Chief, she paid them no mind. The only soul she cared to see, standing beside her throughout the entire thing. Hiccup slipped his hand into hers, leading her away from the scene just as the sun crested over the horizon, casting a foggy glow onto the beach.

Individuals would give their condolences as she walked past, and she would simply nod her head to them, acknowledging just enough to appear coherent. But in all honesty, she didn’t pay them much mind.

They reached the end of the beach, where Stormfly and Toothless had been waiting patiently. The Nadder was still cautious around her rider, knowing that the girl had recently been in no true state of mind to be attentive. But nonetheless, as Hiccup released her hand, Astrid walked up to the dragon, and placed a gentle palm on her large head.

“What do you say we get out of here, girl?”

The dragon squawked happily as her rider mounted, Hiccup following suit on Toothless. And as they took off, in the corner of her eye, Astrid saw the fading smoke of the ship as it sunk low into the water, before the fire was snuffed out completely, and the ship slipped peacefully beneath the waves.

With the sea hundreds of yards below, Astrid dangled her legs off the side of the sea stack. Eyes sensitive in the morning light, as the sun warmed her goosebumped skin. Moments later, she heard Hiccup approaching from behind, before taking a seat next to her and looking off into the orange sunrise.

After a while, she could tell that he was staring at her, likely awaiting for her to spark the first notion of conversation. He deserved that, at the very least.

“I…” She started, voice gravely with emotion. “I miss them, Hiccup.”

He quickly scooted closer, wrapping his arm around her middle and pulling her close. She rested her tired head on his shoulder.

“I know, Astrid… You will, in the future as well..."

She felt like crying again, thinking of all the moments in her future that she’d feel the pain of loss once more. Nothing could cure it, she’d just have to wait out the heartbreak again and again…

“But,” Hiccup resumed. “They aren’t _truly_ gone… you know that.” He looked at her, gently taking her chin in his hand and lifting it so she’d meet his gaze. “They’ll always be with you… they’ll always _love_ you.”

He caressed her face, gently pressing his lips against her cheekbone in a chaste kiss. And… for the first time in days, she appeared _content_ with his words. She nodded, before looking back out at the horizon.

“Hiccup-” She said painfully, knowing she’d have to speak of it at some point. “I… I just wanted to say, thank you…”

He looked at her, confused. “For what?”

She felt the swell of love in her chest, “For… for _being_ there for me. I-I know I haven’t been particularly… _easy_ to deal with these past few days. You didn’t _have_ to be so tolerant-”

“I wanted to.” He cut her off sternly. “Astrid, I _wanted_ to take care of you… do you truly think I _didn’t?”_

“No, I don’t think that. But… look, I said things the other night out of anger, I know I apologized, but… you didn’t deserve that.”

“It’s okay, Astrid. You were just in a bad place.” He chuckled a little. “You could probably write a whole _book_ of things I’ve said to the other riders when I was angry…”

She smiled sadly, before her cheeks flushed red. “And… last night...”

Hiccup blushed a little too, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “Heh, yeah umm… H-How much of that do you remember, exactly?”

Her eyes studied her clasped hands resting on her lap, “Just… just the really _intense_ parts, I guess.” Her tone got serious. “I shouldn’t have forced myself on you like I did.”

Hiccup blinked, “Oh… _that’s_ what you’re worried about?” He chuckled again. “I mean, despite the obvious… it was probably the best night of my life…”

She playfully nudged his shoulder, making the two of them go into a little fit of laughter.

Hiccup shook his head, “I’m just saying! I wouldn’t mind doing, err… _stuff_ like that again. That is, if you’d want to.”

She stared into his emerald eyes, smiling warmly, before her features grew sad. Before he could ask, she gently grabbed a handful of his hair and crushed her lips against his. He tightened his hold around her, kissing her deeply until she drew just a few inches away. Still close enough he could feel her breath dance across his face.

Astrid looked at him with watery eyes, “Hiccup, I just can’t stop thinking about… about if something ever happened to _you…”_

He gently rested his head against hers, feeling the warm love for her fill his chest. A feeling he’d _never_ grow tired of.

“You shouldn’t fear things like that, Astrid.” He said, giving her a sad smile. “They’ll drive you mad.”

“But…” She trembled, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I… I don’t want anyone else to _die…”_

“I’m not going anywhere, Astrid.” He kissed her cheek, breath dancing across her flushed skin. “I’m with you… I love you.”

She smiled, _actually_ smiled. Despite the tears flowing from her eyes, as she stared off into the rising sun.

"And with love, comes loss." She breathed.

Hiccup smiled into her hair, "It's always worth it..."

Feeling something warm inside of her... she knew the feeling, the same feeling she’d get when her parents smiled at her, when they would hug her before or after a long journey, when they would tell her they loved her... 

Taking a shaky breath, she allowed herself to feel the joy. The joy of remembering her mother and father, of treasuring their memories together, and all they had taught her. She would never forget them, never stop loving them. And they would live. Through her, they would live.

There would be moments where she felt as if she couldn’t go on, feel the turmoil of heartbreak once more, and feel as if she were being crushed beneath the weight of the world in her grief. But in those moments, she’d be reminded that she wasn’t alone. Even when she felt as though she was suffocating, unable to breathe through the pain, and she felt as though she could not go on… She would break it down very simply. One breath at a time…

She supposed she could do that.

* * *

**It might be scary to die… it isn’t scary to** **_be_ ** **dead.**

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this fic throughout the past week has been very therapeutic in a way, a bit of an odd coping mechanism, I'll admit. But I'm happy to have it finished and to be able to share it with all of you, and I'm ready to jump back into my other stories.
> 
> On a side, and very sappy note, I really appreciate all of you who read my stories. Sometimes reading your comments are the best part of my day, and I'm so glad people are still engaging with this amazing franchise that has changed the lives of so many (myself included), even though it's sadly over. The characters will live on through us, which makes me incredibly happy.
> 
> Anyways, have a wonderful day! (if I didn't ruin it completely)


End file.
